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Innocence is fading

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The emails continue, there is an unspoken undercurrent

Subject: deeper still 🙂

Saturday, August 23, 2008, 4:19 PM

Dear Cathy;

I had no idea how deep these memories and feelings went; into a place that is usually reserved for retrieval right before death, so happy memories make the transition to whatever easier.

My child, carefree side says drop everything get on a plane and laugh and cry with you in person; my adult stuffy side says turn away; cut this off… it’s dangerous!

Luckily both sides coexist very well and a middle ground is met. I am not flying out there and I am not turning away. There are only two people who are experiencing this right now, you and me, so we dump on each other; let it wash over us like you said; good or bad.

I want to like walk a million miles and walk this off; I want to like sleep 1000 years and wake up back in that room. I’m crawling into places I never thought I would. Thank god we live on the farthest coasts from each other 🙂

I will not hold this back as it comes flowing out like a hurricane; hey you opened the door! 🙂 Truthfully I haven’t thought of you or those times for years. It was that buried. We still both have somewhere a piece of each other that obviously never died. From now on I will always think about you… don’t creep out.. you know exactly what I am saying. We need to get past all these feelings so we can actually start communicating and catching up with each other but now everything is a blur as I never expected this. I knew I cherished that time, but had no idea…maybe I’m just getting all sentimental in my old age… 50 next year wtf happened??? 🙂 Man that was a fast ride….can I go again Mr. Ridemaster? and slomo through the good stuff and fast forward through the bad?

I’m jumbled. Emotions are all over the map I feel very much alive well, I always did just more so, If we only knew what we know now…sigh My eyes tear up for no reason…it’s happy, not sad.

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I can’t wait till my arm is better and can write more….and more… smile and cry with me and we’ll get through it, no?”

Saturday, August 23, 2008, 7:15 PM

“From Cathy

You say it so well. And it astonishes me that we are experiencing the same things … the tears, the jumbled emotions. I, too, am finding it confusing and exhilarating. Was there a hungry bit that, unbeknownst to us, that has been lurking in us all this time? Unanswered questions? Whatever it is, it is quite wonderful. I understand the romantic child that wants to dive into a lovely Cinderella fantasy. And I also know we would never do that. So we both watch the font of feelings that this has spurred, and marvel at its suddenness and it’s intensity and it’s beauty. Yes?

And yes … to somehow wake up in that room again … to have another shot at the innocence and love of that time combined with the compassion and wisdom we now have … to be able to do it right…

…. yes, another ride…

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I am newly remembering who I was back then. I was so incomplete, so lacking in confidence, not taking control of my life. I didn’t love myself back then …. far from it. Hence, I made decisions based on the wrong things. I let myself down in many ways. Walking away from you was one of those decisions. I am drenched in gratitude to realize that I now DO love that girl. I thought it was necessary to banish those old Cathys to become a new one of my choosing. But I see now that I don’t. I can gather all those banished and broken bits to me and love them as much as I love the person I’ve become. You have given me this realization; this gift.

Thank you for taking the time to slog through this with me, especially with your arm and your deadline. I reached exactly the same conclusion that you did … that this is apparently something we need to work through to reach a place of friendship.

Yes … we will get through it.”

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